A Little Research Could Have Helped!

Every federal agent's weakness!

When you're bribing the FBI it's vitally important to offer something that's enticing... tempting... something you're sure they can't resist. Especially if you want them to do something illegal for you. Unfortunately for Arnold O. Jones II, senior resident Superior Court judge in Wayne County, North Carolina, he seriously misjudged his target.

All he wanted, he told his friend Agent Matthew Miller, was for him to obtain some text messages for the Judge... sent by his wife and another man.

"No can do," said Agent Miller. "It takes a search warrant for the FBI to look at texts."

"Pleeeease?" Judge Jones II pleaded.

"Nope."

"Well, how about if I throw in something to make it worth your while?"

"Like what," asked the agent?

"Something good... like... TWO CASES OF BUD LIGHT??!! Huh?  Huh?? How 'bout that?"

A few days later a SWAT team descended upon the Judge's home where he was arrested at gunpoint.

Let this be a lesson to us all.

The Rage of the Squirrel!

"Pay us the acorns and nobody gets hurt"

Photo credit: Rapaceone

A cautionary message for Republicans and Democrats alike: Be careful who you speak out against. The tiny woodland creatures are watching.

Take Howard Brookins Jr., alderman for Chicago’s 21st ward for instance. He stood up against squirrels, he did. Criticised them. Said they were ruining the garbage can lids. Said they were being "aggressive."

He failed to reckon on the fact that these were 'urban squirrels' -- Chicago urban squirrels. And they weren't pleased.  "Maybe the alderman needs to have a little... accident, boys!" they chattered to each other in the trees.

On Sunday November 13th Mr. Brookins was riding his bike alone on a remote forest trail. All at once a single squirrel darted out from the trees and threw himself into the bicycle's spokes crying, "Revenge is a dish best served cold, Brookins!" In the melee that followed the alderman's skull was cracked, his nose smashed, his teeth splintered.

The squirrel lay peacefully entangled in the spokes of the bike, a contented expression on his face.

But they haven't forgotten.  In the aftermath of this incident, squirrels are said to line Brookins' window sill at odd hours... just watching.


And here's another reason why they're so angry!

The return of Bio-Duck!

The cities of Brazil are seething with turmoil these days as thousands fill the streets of São Paulo and Rio, clamoring angrily for the ouster of their corrupt President Dilma Rousseff.  A historically large 500,000 person demonstration flooded São Paulo last Sunday, so large and focused on impeachment that no one seemed to notice the enormous, ominous, otherwise inexplicable yellow figure looming above them all... as though orchestating the chaos.

Demonstrators attend a protest against Brazil's President Dilma Rousseff, presided over by a mysterious giant duck. Photo: REUTERS/Paulo Whitaker

As indeed he was. Sure, you've got your Bilderbergers and you've got your Illuminati, but behind it all yellow wing-tips truly manipulate the levers of power.

The citizens of Brazil did not recognize this golden threat and blanked it out of their minds as humans so often do. But longtime readers of A Few Paragraphs know it well. For this non-sequiter saffron menace lurking in the shadows of São Paulo and quacking maniacally at the pandemonium is none other than... the dreaded Bio-Duck!! (<--- Read our earlier coverage, if you dare!!)

Bio-Duck spreading havoc earlier in the orient

Photo by 玄史生

Too Much of a Good Thing

Now don't get me wrong: I'm one of the biggest Peeps fans in the world. Those squishy little lumps of super-sweetness have been one of my chief joys of springtime since I was a little kid. I'm fasting from meat

this year but I've never yet given up Peeps. I'm just not spiritually mature enough yet to make that level of sacrifice, I guess.

But now comes word that the Peep company will start selling the little gobs of decadence year-round in the form of 'mini-Peeps,' 14 to a bag.

Gee, I don't know. They're great as one of the highlights of the year (along with 4th of July steaks, Thanksgiving turkey, and St. Patrick's Day corned beef and cabbage), but having that overwhelming intensity of sugary tastiness there 24/7/365