Now for a cultural reference that Star Wars nerds like me will recognize: Remember the Sarlacc from Episode VI -- the ravenous creature in a huge desert pit lined with inward-facing spines that swallowed hapless victims (like Billy Dee Williams) alive? Well, that's how your navel gathers lint. An Austrian researcher named Georg Steinhauser devoted 3 years of his life to studying belly button fuzz and here are his in-depth findings: You belly hair scrapes it off your shirt and sucks it remorselessly down into your omphalos. "The hair's scales act like a kind of barbed hooks," Dr. Steinhauser proudly reported. "Abdominal hair often seems to grow in concentric circles around the navel."
But then one day the Florida Milk Police (FMP) swooped in and informed them that their skim milk could no longer be called skim milk. It would have to be called something like "I Can't Believe It's Not Skim Milk" instead.
The heroic creamery helpfully informed the FMP that their skim milk met the standard definition of skim milk, i.e.:
"No! You are totally wrong!" a burly Milk bureaucrat responded. "That is most certainly not the definition of skim milk. We here in the state of Florida define skim milk as:
Milk from which the cream has been skimmed AND some vitamin A has been added."
Mary Lou, the owner of Ocheesee Creamery, was nonplussed. But, quickly recovering her wits, she mounted a classic David vs. Goliath court battle, from which she has just emerged triumphant.
Pretty much.
Florida still holds that theirs is the one, true, and immutable definition of skim milk. And Mary Lou has offered to add, "no vitamins added" to the label. The Milk Police are mulling that compromise over.
If you thought yesterday's 8 minute post disbursed your stress like wisps of fog on a sunshiny day, try this half hour version! (Warning: you may not regain consciousness for several days.)
Stress, it seems, is the air we breathe. In work, play, family life, child rearing, and certainly your politics (don't even get me started on the election!), if you aren't stressed out you just aren't doing it right. And eventually somebody -- your boss, another parent, an earnest co-worker fearing for the state of our country -- will call you out if you're not taking whatever it is seriously enough, as indicated by how stressed you are.
Stress is the badge that says, why, yes, I am a committed, hard working employee or, yes, I do have my kid enlisted in every extra-curricular activity I can find thereby qualifying me as a good parent or, yes, I am straining every nerve to get this candidate elected and these policies enacted (or repealed) in order to save the nation.
But, by the same token, we know all this stress is bad for us. Doctors tell us thatallthetime. But what can we do about it? How can we decrease that harmful stress while still meriting our "yes-I'm-really-taking-all-this-extremely-seriously" badges?
There are hundreds of webpages out there, some by actual doctors, about managing your stress, with dozens and dozens of suggestions and techniques. Since I (usually) write 'a few paragraphs' I'm just going to tell you about one that only takes 8 minutes and takes no effort. And here it is: listen to the song at the end of this article.
'Weightless' is by a British musical group called Marconi Union that worked with the British Academy of Sound Therapy to create a song that calms anxiety, slows your heartbeat, and lowers blood pressure. Scientists at a behavior research company called Mindlab found that listening to the song can lower your overall anxiety level by 65% and reduce your normal resting pulse, blood pressure, etc. by 35%.
However that may be, they rated 'Weightless' #1 in their list of the 10 most relaxation-producing songs known to mankind. And I have to report that, despite my initial skepticism, when I lay down in the dark with 'Weightless' on my headphones, it had an almost surprising relaxation effect on me. It took me a while to make myself get up when it was done.
Who doesn't want soft, supple, blemish-free skin? We all do, of course! And so does the CIA, with their new line of skin care products. All they ask in return (aside from $52) is the upper layer of skin cells from your face. It's a win-win situation: you get to be radiant, lovely, and confident and they get a sample of your DNA for their top-secret, global genetic database so they can covertly manipulate the world.
I'm sure the lluminati is mixed up in this somehow, although there's no "hard evidence" yet. But it just sounds like them, doesn't it?
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day, which has existed for the last 10 years. A little over a year ago one of my all-time favorite cousins took her life. And she was one of the last people I could ever have imagined doing that. I've known her since she was born and she was always such a happy, cheerful person. I'm about as stunned by it now as I was when I first heard it had happened.
So I want to make sure I highlight this day this year. The possibility of commiting suicide can be roiling beneath the surface of anyone under the right circumstances; no one is immune. In fact, it could happen to you, too. There are signs that someone is contemplating taking their life. We need to be alert for them and not deny them when we see them.
Talking about wanting to die or to kill themselves.
Looking for a way to kill themselves, such as searching online or buying a gun
Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.
Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
Talking about being a burden to others.
Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs.
Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly.
Sleeping too little or too much.
Withdrawing or isolating themselves.
Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge.
Displaying extreme mood swings.
If you observe these signs in someone, what do you do? Three things:
Ask them if something is wrong.
Be there for them to talk to.
Call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 for guidance, and encourage them to call it too.
And if you don't live in the US, please go to this web page, click on your country, and contact the center in your area.
What if you're online and someone seems to be talking about killing themselves? For some time now, many of the major social media sites have had a suicide prevention mechanism in place. Google automatically brings the Suicide Hotline up if you search for self-harm-related subjects. This page tells you how to contact the safety teams for several social media sites.
Texas is a dangerous place. Back in June a gentleman named Frank Reyes was changing a trailer tire when the jack slipped, trapping him.
Worrying that somebody might not happen along would be your major concern in any normal state. But this wasn't Seattle or Poughkeepsie.
This was Texas. In June.
The apocalyptically hot Texas sun heated the trailer's metal to 10,000 degrees (or thereabouts), and slowly seared the flesh of his hand right off down to the bone.
Did you know that in the 1800's, when land barons were trying to get people to immigrate to this place, the publicity hapless Easterners heard (from Davy Crockett himself!) was that Texas is "the garden spot of the world?" Davy Crockett was a bald-faced liar because Texas will try to kill you every chance it gets.
Fortunately, we now have central air conditioning that makes Texas habitable, and that has made the appearance of highly intelligent medical doctors possible. Today they sprout in hospitals and medical centers all across our gigantic state, on stand-by to leap into action and work their clever wonders on Texans who venture outside and suffer, as they surely will. Because this is Texas.
Belly -- best place for a desicated hand
Mr. Reyes, sadly, did not have the benefit of central air conditioning that day. But he did have skilled doctors waiting in chilly hospitals, ready to apply their healing arts to his hideous hand that the Texas sun had gnawed to bits.
Realizing eventually that nothing else was making the remainders of his fingers grow back, they chose the ultimate option, something only a highly creative, comfortably refrigerated, Texas doctor brain would dare to think of trying: cutting a hole in his belly and sewing his hand inside. Blood-filled vessels from his abdomen swiftly permeated his digits, filling them with life.
So what about you? Does your life seem like an endless, grinding nightmare? Or a happy-go-lucky paradise? Or something in between?
Well, you're not alone, whichever of them it is, and now the Gallup Poll has produced this handy chart so you can see how all the other people out there are getting along. Take a look and see whether you're living a cursed existence, or just an average one.
Apparently this outbreak of the horrible disease started with a 2-year old boy in Ghana who died last December. He most likely got it from eating raw Fruit-Bat meat or, more likely, fruit that a Fruit-Bat had pooped in.
Ebola has no cure, but the UN says it's ok to try untested drugs on the victims in Africa since, really, we don't have anything else to throw at it. Let's hope they can find a silver bullet.
