"There's a battle outside and it's ragin'!"

Trainy has a tense conversation with "The Man"

Image: Sony Pictures Television

By now the whole world knows the misbegotten saga of the HMS Boaty McBoatface*. The state-of-the-art British scientific research ship was given that name in a cheerful public referendum only to have the will of the people cruelly stomped in the dust by "The Man" and replaced by the staid and stoggy HMS Sir David Attenborough, as described in this very sober-minded article. Not that there's anything wrong with Sir David, but he just ain't Boaty.

But the voice of the masses will not be stilled. There's a movement moving my friends, and a new world's a-comin' so don't stand in the doorway, don't block up the hall, man.

In Australia, a defiant racehorse has taken on the noble name of Horsey McHorseface. Even the UK's immovable establishment buckled and threw a sop to the unruly populace milling angrily in Trafalgar Square by conferring the name Boaty McBoatface on a little robot yellow submarine. (Shouldn't its name have been 'Ringo' though?)

But now Sweden has once again lived up to its motto ("Sweden: Best place in the world") and decided to stand shoulder to shoulder with the common man and woman and officially, irrevocably, and undeniably name their newest express train on the Stockholm-Gothenburg line Trainy McTrainface.

"I can guarantee with my life that the train will be called Trainy McTrainface," said MTR Express marketing chief Per Nasfi in an effort to allay Swedish fears. "I imagine that some people were quite delighted to get some revenge for the Boaty McBoatface thing."

_____________________

*Yes, I know the proper designation is RSS, not HMS. Consider it artistic license taken with Britain’s hoary traditions for the greater good.

Batman on Mars

Adam West tries to coax Mona the astro-monkey into eating

The late Adam West (Batman, that is) didn't just sear his portrayal of the Caped Crusader indelibly into the public psyche. He was in a lot of other movies and TV shows, including one of my all-time favorites Robinson Crusoe on Mars.

Unfortunately for culture, many people react to that title in much the same way as they do to Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, which, interestingly, came out the same year -- 1964. But this film is much better, getting a 94% on Rotten Tomatoes (Santa gets a measly 24%, FYI). In fact Robinson Crusoe on Mars is good enough that it's included in the Criterion Collection of swanky films, which is no mean feat.

Adam West on Mars

Two astronauts, Dan McReady (Adam West) and Kit Draper (Paul Mantee), along with handy experimental subject Mona the Monkey (Barney the Woolly Monkey), crash land on Mars. Two of them survive but unfortunately neither one is Col. McReady, so West doesn't get a lot of face time in this movie. But he seems very astronaut-like (both actors do, actually) and is a ringer for Neil Armstrong, although he -- like Adam West -- wasn't famous yet.

I notice that West's jaw muscles get very tight during scenes where he feeds Mona the Monkey and pulls her space helmet off. It makes me wonder if there was any actor/sharp-toothed monkey tension on the set.

Paul Mantee as Kit Draper

After burying their fellow astronaut, Kit and Mona head off into the rusty desert wilderness of Mars, doing their best to survive during adventures paralleling Robinson Crusoe's. Given the science of the time, long before we had probes and rovers everywhere on Mars, the way they portrayed the Red Planet's environment is pretty good. Most of it was filmed at Zabriskie Point near Death Valley, and with a reddish tint added in post-production the landscape is remarkably similar to photos beamed back by the Curiosity rover.

Few other movies of the time tried so hard to duplicate what science said Mars was like. Of course the rocks that burned like coal AND produced oxygen (one of Mona's insightful discoveries) were a stretch. And rescuing the alien slave Friday along with his supply of air pills was a happy accident. And by 1964 almost nobody thought Mars had canals filled with water anymore. And so on. But, as a bonus documentary the Criterion Collection includes on their DVD points out, Robinson Crusoe on Mars got a lot of things right, or at least as right as can be expected.

Side Note

A little over a year after this film debuted, Adam West would be rocketing to super-stardom as Batman. Meanwhile Paul Mantee, despite being the lead in Robinson Crusoe, never really got his "big break." Instead he did what Wikipedia articles on 2nd string actors frequently term "working steadily." This he did for decades before turning to writing in the late 1990s.

As an interesting side note, he appeared in an episode of his former co-star's show playing a henchman of Catwoman who wears a Batman costume to frame him for a crime. Maybe Adam West threw a little work his way for old time's sake?

Paul Mantee passed on in 2013. No word on the fate of Barney the Woolly Monkey.

RIP Batman

RIP Adam West

This is the end of an era for me. This is the day that Batman died. And by Batman I mean Adam West, who just passed away at the age of 88.

During the psychedelic 60s when I was a 2nd grader in a flyspeck of a town in New Jersey, one of my favorite comic books suddenly came to life in brilliant color on television. Batman back then wasn't a dark and foreboding fellow riven with anger down in his batcave, brooding over the senseless deaths of his parents.

Instead, he was a detective (the world's greatest!) armed with gadgets who dressed in a blue, light grey, and yellow costume vaguely reminiscent of a bat. He was on good terms with the cops who were constantly calling him via bat-signal or beeping red bat-phone to solve the alarmingly frequent super-villain crimes of Gotham City. Batman at this point in his life wasn't scary or particularly mysterious (though no one knew who he was), just a colorful super-hero, like Superman over in Metropolis, who was probably his best friend. I owned quite a few of their comics.

ZAP!

Then one Wednesday night (January 12, 1966 to be precise) all of that world abruptly appeared in our TV.  Even the sound effect balloons -- POW!, ZAP! -- translated over, and the theme song was unforgettable. Batman and his trusty, even more colorful sidekick Robin were trying to stop the Riddler's perfidious crimes in this episode. And I sat there mesmerized. But then, at the very climax of the story, with Batman drunk (they spiked his orange juice) and Robin kidnapped and about to be operated on -- it ended!!  Instead we got this:

WILL ROBIN ESCAPE?

CAN BATMAN FIND HIM IN TIME?

IS THIS THE GHASTLY END OF OUR DYNAMIC DUO?

ANSWERS...TOMORROW NIGHT! SAME TIME, SAME CHANNEL!

ONE HINT--THE WORST IS YET TO COME!

Whaaaat???  I suffered through the whole next day! Until finally, after the longest Thursday in history, we tuned in to find Robin not dissected after all (only used to make a rubber Robin mask for special guest star Jill St. John to wear) and Batman all sobered up. Naturally he goes on to win the day, although poor Jill St. John perishes in the Batcave's nuclear reactor.

Being 7 years old I took this all as straight adventure, never quite catching on that it was being played so deadly serious that it was hilarious to the adults. The utterly straight-arrow Batman played against the surreal atmosphere of the late 60's (which had a vibe even a kid could pick up on) was such a disjunction that Batman and Adam West became the hottest thing on television.

The Grey Ghost

Batman was such a vivid cultural event that, even though Bat-fever quickly drifted away like smoke, Adam West radiated it for the rest of his life. Try as he might he never really escaped the Bat. I remember reading in the 70s and 80s about how he raged against being typecast. But eventually he learned to embrace being the 1960s Batman, attending conferences and appearing with the super-cool 60s Batmobile.

In 1992, West appeared in an animated Batman episode called Beware the Grey Ghost, portraying an actor who once had great fame as a TV superhero, but now was unable to find work due to being typecast by the role. In the end he helps Batman defeat a criminal and gains a new-found popularity with a younger audience.

According to Wikipedia, the producers almost canceled the production because they felt it was uncomfortably close to Adam West's actual life. But West insisted on playing the character.

One has to wonder if it was a sort of catharsis for him.

Smurfette the Temptress

The embodiment of evil

Image from Smurfsfanon Wiki

In the Israeli town of Bnei Brak they are very modest and there are laws to keep it that way. There, the majority of citizens are Ultra-Orthodox Jews, so they do what they can to prevent sordid images from defiling their eyes, particularly lust-inducing sexy images.

As a result, local regulations prohibit signs and billboards from containing pictures of any women who might, "incite the feelings of the city’s residents." In the past this has included Jennifer Lawrence and Tinkerbell (who wasn't modeled after Marilyn Monroe, incidentally, but was curvaceous enough to be banned).

And most recently, Smurfette. I totally respect their zeal, by the way, but... Smurfette?

Yup. Following the letter of the law, the regular billboard ad for Smurfs: The Lost Village, which includes Smurfette, was edited to show only Brainy, Clumsy, and Hefty Smurfs. That way her Smurfalicious charms won't lead any innocent bystanders astray.

They do have a point though: Originally, the Smurfs were entirely stag, but then in 1966 their arch-enemy Gargamel created Smurfette artificially to lure all the real Smurfs to their doom. Luckily, wise old Papa Smurf transformed her into a real, live girl Smurf, thereby changing her hair color from black to blonde and her allegiance from the dark side to goodness.

She still leads all the male Smurfs to their doom: Every last one of them (except Papa Smurf I presume) has a crush on Smurfette. But now it's a good kind of doom.

Farewell Johnny B. Goode

Chuck Berry

Photo in public domain

Sometimes we speak of something as "the end of an era." Really important stuff, like, you know, when Monica moved out of Rachel's apartment on Friends -- that was "the end of an era." Or when the Cubs won the series, it was "the end of an era."

But over the weekend the real end of a real era occurred because Chuck Berry, the Father of Rock 'n' Roll, passed away at the age of 90 on Saturday.

You probably have seen (or at least heard about) the old Saturday Night Live skit where a bunch of psychics predict the first communication from aliens will be in response to those gold records scientists attached to the Voyager 1 & 2 space probes, which included a recording of 'Johnny B. Goode.' (Oddly enough I couldn't find a video of that skit on YouTube, but here's a transcript).

As Cocuwa the psychic (i.e., Steve Martin)  dramatically informs us: "The four words that came to us from outer space -- the FOUR words that will appear on the cover of Time Magazine next week -- are:

'Send More Chuck Berry!'

That's how epic Chuck Berry was. We sent him into space to represent our people to alien races.

But really, Variety describes him as,

"The rock ‘n’ roll pioneer who established the form and the themes of the music with his slyly funny, rhythmically propulsive ’50s hits, such as 'Maybellene, 'Roll Over Beethoven' and 'Johnny B. Goode.' Berry hammered out the then-nascent sound’s groundwork in a series of self-penned singles... that successfully crossed over into the pop mainstream."

You like yer modern music, ya' young whippersnapper? Well here's who to thank (well, him, Elvis, Little Richard, and Jerry Lee Lewis)!

So in Mr. Berry's honor, here's that golden 'Johnny B. Goode' recording we launched into the void:

RIP Chuck Berry.

RIP Zsa Zsa Gabor

Zsa Zsa Gabor (apparently Gábor Zsazsa in her native Hungary), who married one husband for every decade she lived (i.e., 9), has passed away at the age of 99.  Of course she started marrying husbands after she was of legal age, so some of them had to double up. The reason I mention her husbands rather than some other of her achievements is that, whenever her name came up during her prime, her multitudinous marriages (and divorces) came up too, usually first. It seemed to be her claim to fame.

Here is a list of all those husbands with photos.

She did seem to be a pioneer in the now popular state of 'being famous for being famous.' In fact, Paris Hilton, one of the most famous persons famous for being famous is Zsa Zsa's step-great-granddaughter by way of her 2nd husband, Conrad Hilton.

Zsa Zsa on the Island

But Ms. Gabor had some other achievements under her diamond-encrusted belt. She was a movie and TV actress, appearing in Gilligan's Island and Batman (my two favorite roles!), and was the lead actress in Moulin Rouge in 1952, for which she got decent reviews. She was also in Orson Welles’ Touch of Evil and the great and awe-inspiring Queen of Outer Space, which no one should finish their life without seeing.

She was also Miss Hungary in 1936, but unfortunately too young (19) to go on and compete for Miss Europe. In 1989 she slapped a Beverly Hills policemen for giving her a ticket, and had to serve 3 days in jail for it.

Zsa Zsa had declared her intention to return to Hungary for her 100th birthday (which would have been this February 6th) and spend her final days there. It's sad that she didn't quite make it.

RIP, Ms. Gabor.

"Never Fear, Smith is Here!"

Separated at birth?

Parker Posey photo by Arnold Gatilao

Netflix, which has basically replaced TV for us and keeps coming up with neat shows, is doing a reboot of one of my all-time favorites as a kid, Lost In Space. And of course you couldn't possibly have Lost in Space without that ultimate whinner ("Oh, the pain, the pain!") and loathsome general troublemaker, Dr. Zachary Smith, played in the 60s and for the rest of his life by the inimitable Jonathan Harris.

There's been a bit of a modification to the "good doctor's" character in the new program, though: Smith will be played by Parker Posey.  She is an excellent actress, known as the "Queen of the Indies," but can even Ms. Posey live up to this iconically aggravating role?

Probably depends on how they do the Robot.

RIP Fidel Castro

Fidel Castro

Photo: Roberto di Fede

Rest in Peace, Fidel Castro.

That's about all I have to say. I desire that every human being will rest peacefully when their term is done here. I've seen a lot of people today hoping that Mr. Castro does not, though.

It seems to me that Castro was trying to do something good for the Cuban people when he began his revolution. And it seems that old saying about absolute power corrupting absolutely came truer and truer in his case. In other words he was an average man who, like most men in that situation, eventually became a despot. But even despots do some good for their despotisms.

The Odd 1970s & Florence Henderson (RIP)

How I remember Florence Henderson, regretably

Photo by David Moore @ Bionic Disco

Florence Henderson (aka Mrs.Brady) passed away yesterday due to heart failure. She was 82, and apparently in good health all the way up to the end. She had an impressive career on Broadway before she became the "lovely lady who was bringing up three very lovely girls." May she rest in peace.

Even though I grew up in the right era, I have to confess that I've never watched a single Brady Bunch episode, thereby missing a part of our precious television heritage that virtually everyone else shares. But what I did catch was the mind-boggling Brady Bunch Variety Hour, which sprang up after the original show was cancelled.

During a certain very odd period in the 1970s dozens of these variety shows clogged the airwaves -- Tony Orlando & Dawn, The Captain & Tennille, Sonny & Cher, Jim Stafford, and even the Starland Vocal Band (who I think only had one hit song ever!) had their own shows where they'd do lame skits and sing songs. The Brady Bunch Variety Hour was one of these, with the same attempts at dancing and the same gaudy costumes. But theirs seemed a little more surreal than the others.

Slave Ship

For one thing, they had just emerged from a world where they were an ordinary huge family in the suburbs. Now they had magically transformed into a troupe of singers and dancers performing bright, overproduced numbers and gamely tossing out awful jokes to amuse the crowds. I think the very first skit the Bradys did was one where the boys tried to persuade some professional singer to perform in place of Mr. Brady because they figured he wouldn't be good enough for the show.

That sort of encapsulates what I'm saying: All the other shows starred actual, professional singers up on stage doing their usual jobs -- partly, at least. The Brady Bunch Hour was the unremarkable, everyday Brady family suddenly and inexplicably catapulted into performing before millions of people! I always had the feeling that they'd been made slaves by someone and forced to amuse their captors with their antics. Or maybe they'd gotten an ultimatum from some surly TV bigwig: "Ok Bradys, it's the variety show or nothin', see? Get up there and dance till your toes are bloody or you'll never work in this town again!"

I don't mean to suggest that they were bad at what they did. Florence Henderson at least was broadway trained and you could tell that all the Bradys were just working their earnest little hearts out. But it was a strange time for TV (which I eagerly absorbed), and the Brady Bunch Variety Hour was the strangest of them all.

Respect Your Liquids

Please, don't be mean to the water!

What hungry bull fighters eat

"I'm feeling a bit peckish right about now."

I don't know how many times I've asked myself, "I wonder what a professional Bull Fighter (the kind and loving 'murican version, not the bloody, murderous spanish kind) would eat right now?" I'm sure you have too.

Well, now we know.

Kids, don't try this at home!

Noticing the current trend of trusting the news more if it's delivered by comedians, ABC News decided to try some of that hilarious Bad Lip-Reading on the Prime Minister of Canada. But they really should have practiced more first.

Click here for more!

Civilization encroaches on the beer can house

The man who built the famous (?) Ft. Worth beer can house is moving. You can't stop progress and what was once a quiet residential neighborhood is now chock full of development. In fact, his is the last home left on the street.

But never fear! The unstoppable Louis Torres vows that thanks to his prodigious beer drinking abilities a new and better beer can house will rise from... well, from the normal looking house he's moving into.

The Power of Scientists

L. eltoni

Photo by James Thomas, the discoverer

A scientist in Florida just named this newly discovered Indonesian shrimp L. eltoni. After Elton John. Because he can.

Mike the Wonder Chicken

Once there was a chicken named Mike who got along quite well without his head. No, really! Well then, watch this PBS video if you don't believe me.

 Geeze! Skeptics.

Now that you're a believer and will never doubt me again, be sure to drop by Fruita, Colorado if you're in the vicinity next May and take part in the bacchanalian revel they put on yearly in honor of our favorite headless chicken. His decapitated ghost will thank you for it!

RIP Judy Carne

Aww, that's sad. Judy Carne, the perky british girl on Laugh-in just died. It's hard to realize that she could be 76. That's just a little younger than my dad and I always remember her in a bikini with slogans painted on her body.

RIP Ms. Carne.

Farewell, Beautiful Bat

See? We're not really the same person
after all!

Wow, not posting since Patrick's Day certainly has its downside. There are so many epic events I missed blogging on, like the author of Don Quixote finally getting buried or Donald Trump ascending to ever greater glory.

But the story I most regret not being here for is the death on August 17th of Batgirl -- Yvonne Craig. A lot of comic fans don't realize that the character of Batgirl, today a mainstay of the Batman Universe, was originally created specifically for Ms. Craig. Ratings for the old Batman TV show were slumping after two seasons so the producers and DC comics created Batgirl to add pizzazz to the third.

To play "the masked maiden" (and her secret identity, Barbara Gordon) they chose an ex-ballarina who'd played opposite Elvis and James Coburn in the movies. Wearing a skin-tight purple uniform and fetching black mask, Batgirl fought shoulder to shoulder with the "Caped Crusaders." Her graceful-but-deadly kicks and other ballet moves she used in combat made Craig a formidable and highly attractive crimefighter.

Although Batman did go belly-up after one more season, Batgirl (the comic character) continued on to the present day, and millions of young boys were left dreaming of Yvonne Craig and her masked alter ego -- me included. I had a gigantic crush on her in Junior High, and while several actresses portrayed the "Dominoed Daredoll" (yeah, the writers back then gave her a lot of odd nicknames) since the 60s, for me she is the one and only Batgirl.

RIP Ms. Craig.

RIP Don Pardo

Don Pardo

I'm very sad to hear the news that Don Pardo, the renowned TV announcer, is dead. Everybody who's ever stayed up watching TV on the weekend knows his voice from Saturday Night Live. In fact he's the only person who's been on the show all the way through.

I remember hearing his voice as the announcer on Jeopardy when I was a little kid. Don Pardo's voice was part of the background noise of my life -- there, but almost ignored because I'd gotten so used to it. But you can tell when it is gone.

RIP Don Pardo.

Lauren Bacall, Robin Williams, and Synchronicity

Amazing. Robin Williams and Lauren Bacall both dying in one week. I've posted several times in the past on how famous people tend to die in 3's, and people in my office are already speculating about who the third one will be this time. Killjoy skeptics say it's just because humans are built to see patterns and that we notice celebrity deaths more once a really prominent one occurs, kind of like when you buy a Mitsubishi and suddenly you see them everywhere. But I think they're full of baloney.  They're the ones who, when you point out a beautiful sunset say, "It's just light being refracted by particles in the atmosphere."

Robin Williams

Robin Williams

At any rate, my favorite Robin Williams film is the one people tend to hate, Hook. Even Steven Spielberg, who directed it, doesn't have much good to say about it. Critics criticized it, Rotten Tomatoes only gave it a 31, but I loved it.

Now, other than Iron Man movies and Star Wars when it was a thing, I virtually never want to go to a movie. But I really wanted to see Hook. It's about one of my core beliefs (probably stemming from the fact that I had an incredibly happy childhood), that the secret of life is never losing your childhood, and specifically never losing your curiosity and sense of wonder about all of this. And Williams is just great at portraying a grown up Peter Pan, the ultimate little boy. When the movie begins Peter Pan has lost his childhood and has no thought or desire to communicate it to his own children. But he learns it again battling Captain Hook in Never Never Land, and takes it back with him when it's time to go.

Maybe it was a little cheesy but Robin Williams made me cry in that movie. I think that only he was child and adult enough to play this Peter Pan to such perfection. It's so sad to me that a man like that would be in so much mental pain that he would hang himself.

Lauren Bacall

Lauren Bacall 

Ms. Bacall I'm afraid I've never been a big fan of, though I liked her (and the whole cast, really) in Key Largo.  My favorite role of hers was in John Wayne's last movie, The Shootist. She's up there with Jimmy Stewart, Richard Boone, and the Duke in a good, gritty story about the death of the old west and old western icons, and it's just marvelous to behold.

Requiescat In Pace, Ms. Bacall and Mr. Williams.

Clark the Sad Bear Snaps

Most of the world has probably heard by now but I'll repeat the epic news for context: In January the Chicago Cubs deployed their first-ever mascot -- Clark the Sad Bear. Officially he's just "Clark," but... just look at his eyes! He virtually embodies Chicago's valiant struggle to stay hopeful under the crushing weight of agonizing Cubs history. Don't you just want to give the little guy a hug? Clark could have a breakdown at a moment's notice. 

Which is why, beneath that pitiful exterior, there may well be a volcano of seething anger waiting to explode.

There are some things you just don't do. And like Batman, one of them is pulling off Clark's head... if you want to live.