Puppies in Trouble

A very mellow (but guilty) puppy

Public Domain

Just so you know, if you use medical marijuana -- or whatever other kind you might possibly have -- you might want to stay out of Illinois. Studies show they have the third highest incidence of your dog eating your stash (Colorado's number 1, like you couldn't guess)!

Eating the future

Bacon -- it's the future, man!

Graphic buried somewhere deep inside this game

In the year 2020 we will all get our food by jumping on counters at fast food restaurants and yelling. What a utopian wonderworld that will be! We know this thanks to the helpful efforts of a man from that far-distant time with the strange futuristic name of Dante Rashad Anderson, who came back to show us how it will be done.

His first attempt to demonstrate the future occurred at an Oklahoma City Carl's Jr., but they did not understand his ways and ejected him. Undeterred, the time traveler walked across the street to Arby's, where the patrons were slightly more enlightened and allowed his demonstration to proceed after he shoved the manager up against a wall.  After the obligatory yelling, the visitor grabbed a fist full of bacon and chicken, thanked them all for their kind attention by breaking a window, and left.

Karate-kicking random cars as he walked down the street (possibly an obscure greeting gesture from his time), the man beyond time was found passed out at a taco restaurant due to the strain of passing through the Time Vortex without a TARDIS.

Oklahoma police were skeptical at first of the man's description of the future until they remembered that Donald Trump will have been President for 3 years by then. Hence, all bets are off.

Where to escape to

Lonesome

Photo by Uday1254

The place in North America that is farthest from any coast is in a gully on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation between Allen (famous for being the poorest town in the country) and Kyle, South Dakota. It's the farthest you can get away from the edge of the continent.

Called "Poles of Inacessability," every land mass and every ocean has one. If you really want to get "far from the madding crowd" and meditate on the meaning of life, one of these might be your best choice. The complete list can be found here with a Google Map for each one.

New trends in mourning the dead!

Need some liquid courage to make it through the ceremony, sir?

Photo by Fabio Ingrosso

Last week I mentioned a cemetery in Spain that provides wifi for its customers. The live customers, not the dearly departed ones. But that's just the tip of the funereal iceberg, so to speak.

Why should a trip to the undertaker be such a downer anyway? Luckily there are plenty of other funeral homes that cheerfully cater to your every need.

For instance, the very considerate Paradise Funeral Chapel of Saginaw, Michigan realizes that the death of a friend or relative can really cut into your free time. In an attempt to restore convenience to the mourning process they've installed a drive-thru so you can come by and have a private moment with the dead on your way to Denny's.

But what if you're roped into one of those boring, old fashioned funerals, the kind where you have to stay for an hour or more honoring uncle Oswald. Well, the undertaking business fully understands your pain. That's why, for instance, the Hodges Funeral Home in Naples, Florida has gone to the trouble of installing an on-site, fully stocked wine cellar. Then, if you're suddenly overcome by grief, you can step away and have a glass or two of Chianti to steady your nerves. Or, if you find yourself absolutely prostrate with emotion, a Portuguese Port might be more up your alley.

As Hodges' Manager Seth Minson says,“Our goal is to make people comfortable, almost like they weren’t even in a funeral home.”

Advertising on your underwear

What the well-dressed Czech naturalist is wearing nowadays

Photos by Dick Daniels and Steve

So let's say you are the head of the Czech Environment Ministry and you need to find a way to publicize Czech nature. You rack your brains. And then, of course! It's so obvious -- as obvious as the nose on your face! Or rather the underwear on your pelvis.

Naturally you decide to sell underwear with pictures of the Czech Republic's lovable woodland creatures. In particular, beavers on women's panties and cormorants -- a waterfowl with long, thin, muscular necks -- on men's shorts.

What? Don't look at me like that.

This decision has brought much needed worldwide attention to Czech cormorants and beavers, both recently brought back from the verge of extinction.

Some Czech naturalists are obviously a bit jealous that they didn't think of this provocative idea first, though. Jan Pinos, a spokesman for Hnutí Duha (Czech for the Rainbow Movement) commented, "It’s completely stupid. It’s so stupid, I can’t find English words for it. I am shocked but not surprised.”

Forward Thinking Graveyard

That way it will be so much easier for all them young people to take selfies with their favorite tombstones, consarn it! These kids today!

Bowling on Mars

Stop the presses, or whatever we use nowadays! We've Just discovered LIFE ON MARS!!

Well, not exactly "just" since the incriminating photo was actually taken by the Curiosity rover  last Tuesday. And not life exactly. But the next best thing: a tiny statue sitting forlornly on a random rock, along with his bowling ball. And possibly a propeller-driven whale.

Commemorating the day bowling
ended on Mars??

Could the evidence be any clearer?!? Open your eyes people! Only an intelligence verrry different from our own could have created such a startling tableau.

There are those that see in the figure an alien being wearing a gasmask, perhaps signifying the last of the mighty Martian race gasping their final breaths as their precious atmosphere slips

Sleestaks!!

into space -- and their dreams of a bowling championship turn to dust.

But looking closer I believe this can mean only one thing: that we've actually located the true home of the dreaded Sleestaks, who so tormented the Marshall family on Land of the Lost!

The Vortex of Brighton Wants Your Dog

Ah, merry old England! So many things to do here, so many great sites to see! Like the white cliffs of Dover, the Tower of London, the famous dog-eating, snake-filled vortex to another dimension of Brighton, not to mention the...??!! 

Ok, lemme check that Brighton travel brochure again...