"There's a battle outside and it's ragin'!"

Trainy has a tense conversation with "The Man"

Image: Sony Pictures Television

By now the whole world knows the misbegotten saga of the HMS Boaty McBoatface*. The state-of-the-art British scientific research ship was given that name in a cheerful public referendum only to have the will of the people cruelly stomped in the dust by "The Man" and replaced by the staid and stoggy HMS Sir David Attenborough, as described in this very sober-minded article. Not that there's anything wrong with Sir David, but he just ain't Boaty.

But the voice of the masses will not be stilled. There's a movement moving my friends, and a new world's a-comin' so don't stand in the doorway, don't block up the hall, man.

In Australia, a defiant racehorse has taken on the noble name of Horsey McHorseface. Even the UK's immovable establishment buckled and threw a sop to the unruly populace milling angrily in Trafalgar Square by conferring the name Boaty McBoatface on a little robot yellow submarine. (Shouldn't its name have been 'Ringo' though?)

But now Sweden has once again lived up to its motto ("Sweden: Best place in the world") and decided to stand shoulder to shoulder with the common man and woman and officially, irrevocably, and undeniably name their newest express train on the Stockholm-Gothenburg line Trainy McTrainface.

"I can guarantee with my life that the train will be called Trainy McTrainface," said MTR Express marketing chief Per Nasfi in an effort to allay Swedish fears. "I imagine that some people were quite delighted to get some revenge for the Boaty McBoatface thing."

_____________________

*Yes, I know the proper designation is RSS, not HMS. Consider it artistic license taken with Britain’s hoary traditions for the greater good.

Never Trust the People

The mighty Boaty McBoatface proudly plows the seas

Great Britain, one-time ruler of the waves, is renowned for her many-storied tradition of unmatched scientific and oceanographic exploration. Such ships as the Endeavour, the Beagle, and the Victory adorn the hallowed halls of British naval history.

Now, standing in this grand heritage, England is constructing another cutting edge, second-to-none vessel that will proudly sail as the most advanced research ship in all the world. The National Environment Research Council chose to give the great honor of naming this epic craft to the british people.

“We’re looking for an inspirational name," the Council proclaimed, "one that exemplifies the work it will do”

Never failing to rise to a challenge, especially when they are acting for Queen and country, the british people poured over the many, many names available. By a slow and exacting process they narrowed the options until finally, like a diamond shinning amid the muck, the indisputable and inevitable choice came clear:

And so britain's naval tradition will live on in her newest and mightiest member, the RRS Boaty McBoatface!

RIP Judy Carne

Aww, that's sad. Judy Carne, the perky british girl on Laugh-in just died. It's hard to realize that she could be 76. That's just a little younger than my dad and I always remember her in a bikini with slogans painted on her body.

RIP Ms. Carne.

Immortalized in Chocolate for Mom

As a baby, did your mom think you were a scrumptious little thing? Does your mate call you sweetums? Or, way down deep

Mom

inside, are you kind of stuck on yourself?

Now you can show her (or you) how grateful you are for all that love and attention by giving her a tasty chocolate statute of yourself for Mother's Day. The mold for this creation is based on thousand of photos from every concievable angle to ensure a perfect chocolate replica of you. "Couldn't you just eat eat them up!" Mom will squeal with delight when she sees your delicious, slightly awkward present.

Or get one for yourself and show it off in a temperature controlled place of honor.

Better hurry though. Harvey Nichols, the British department store that makes these, will have them available for a month before Mother's Day. But remember my fellow Americans, British Mother's Day falls on March 30th.

The Vortex of Brighton Wants Your Dog

Ah, merry old England! So many things to do here, so many great sites to see! Like the white cliffs of Dover, the Tower of London, the famous dog-eating, snake-filled vortex to another dimension of Brighton, not to mention the...??!! 

Ok, lemme check that Brighton travel brochure again...

RIP Secret Agent Man

Another cultural icon of my youth passed away this week -- Patrick McGoohan, otherwise known as "Secret Agent Man." The actual show was called "Danger Man" of course, but it had that kicky, manic theme song that still turns up in credit card commercials: "Secret Agent man! Secret Agent man! We're givin' you a number and takin' 'way your name!"

My mother, who was always the espionage devotee in our family, watched him religiously. McGoohan was so incredibly suave and had such a magnetism about him that I always thought he would have been a fantastic James Bond. But in those days there was only ONE James Bond.

Instead McGoohan earned his own place in the Super Spy Pantheon by creating and starring in one of the more original, impressionistic programs of it's time. In "The Prisoner" his suave Danger Man tried to retire and was transported for his trouble to a weird little village that seemed to exist in some other nearby dimension. Between the identity of "Number One" and those nasty weather balloons that hunted down escapees, people are still trying to figure out what this show was about.

McGoohan also had the honor of starring in Ice Station Zebra, infamous for being the movie Howard Hughes obsessed over most (though he may have been more interested in Rock Hudson). And he was spectacular in a lesser-known superhero role: the mysterious Scarcrow.

Patrick McGoohan was 80 years old.