The easy way to make your home posh!

Today it's boring, ordinary April 2nd, of course, but I really liked this April Fools email/post thingy I got yesterday from the Historical Emporium (which can make anyone look spiffy)!

Edison: History's greatest humanitarian!

It's little known today but famous inventor Thomas Edison was actually the greatest humanitarian who ever lived. Sure, we're all used to hearing of Edison the jerk, Edison the man who battled Westinghouse up one side and down the other to block much more efficient Alternating Current, Edison who crushed the dreams and buried the vision of Nikola Tesla, Edison the elephant electrocuter, Edison the... well, you get the picture.

But when you weigh all that against his magnificent invention of 1878, it's no contest. Edison ranks right up there with Mother Teresa and the entire Doctors Without Boarders organization. Because Thomas Edison, with a single stroke, eliminated hunger from the Earth.

It happened like this.

One day, Edison was riding through the streets of New York in his gold-plated carriage with J P Morgan, John D. Rockefeller, and several Rothschilds discussing how there were simply too many ragged street urchins clinging to their vehicle begging for money. The Great Inventor took the opportunity to demonstrate one of his latest inventions, running 50,000 volts through the skin of the carriage, thereby efficiently dislodging the grubby, starving children. As they watched smoldering little beggers dropping like over-ripe fruit into the street, Edison commented triumphantly, "I call that my 'Poverty Eliminator.'"

The Plutocrats chuckled and drove on.

Later, as they sat down to a posh but impromptu dinner at Edison's home, one of his butlers sheepishly informed him that there weren't enough Delmonico steaks to go around.

"What?! Not enough steak?? I'll soon fix that!"

When Edison returned from his basement lab 2 hours later the wondering tycoons stared in amazement at his "Food Creator," a portable, easy-to-use device capable of transmuting any type of matter into any food imaginable.

The wealthy magnates sat down to the best steaks they'd ever eaten and the Daily Graphic spread the happy news throughout the land on that joyous first day of April:

Huzzah! A new age dawns!

For more information about this wonder, click on the headline!

"30 Minutes or its Free!"

Photo courtesy of Dean Muskett

Tiny, secret aircraft are buzzing us down here in Texas. We assume they are 'ours,' but you never know. What if the President of China feels like Tex-Mex? It could be perceived as a sign of weakness in the all-important geopolitical arena of down-home cooking to just call up an Amarillo restaurant, you know. This could be may be their best bet to get some that's hot and fresh. Their space program is going well, so this is probably a cinch!

Underground Detroit

Detroit is hollow

You may have heard that bankrupt Detroit is thinking of selling all the paintings in their museum to help settle their debts. But you may not know about their less well-known gambit: Selling all the dirt under the city to Iowa. That's good corn-growin' dirt!

But there are always consequences...

CIA Urged to 'Reach for the Stars!'

Dynamic man of mystery captured in Russia

Feeling a little embarrassed at the United States' recent poor showing in espionage, Russia today encouraged their longtime rival to "keep trying." 

"Really, don't let this get you down, man," urged 1st Deputy Assistant for Tactical Self-Esteem Building, Vladimir Vedroborshcha. "You're better than this, comrade! Sure we're all surprised by how clumsy you've gotten. Is this the USA we all know and love? You're just out of practice! That's what happens when you depend on computer worms and drones, eh? But America can be great again, like in old days! Ah, such fun times

"You need to step up your game! Try spying on easy target first, like Canada. Then come back in couple of years and try to steal missile technology or something."

Reached for comment in Washington, CIA chief John Brennan just looked down at his hands and slowly mumbled, "Yeah..."