Comfortably Celebrating Independence

Photo courtesy of Disney

Here in the ever propagating city of Conglomeration, Texas the "feels like" temperature is 257 ° F and the humidity is approximately what it will be here when climate change makes the Gulf of Mexico deluge the state.

As a result only the most hard bitten patriots will dare to venture out to the fireworks tonight. Many will sacrifice their lives to do so, bursting stoically into flame (but being instantly put out by the humidity) as they salute the country.

My little family and I used to risk our lives in this way in order to teach our children that freedom isn't free and that America has some darn good patriotic songs. Fortunately we were saved at least once by a tumultuous rainstorm that lowered our body heat just below ignition temperature for spontaneous human combustion.

Nowadays though, being older, "wiser," and having taught the kids all the lessons we've got, we opt -- as we do for almost everything else -- to live vicariously by way of the Internet. Sitting in our comfortable chairs (several of which we bought on the Internet), cool, pre-conditioned air swirling gently about our heads, we plan to watch real, live fireworks streaming electronically into our home from somewhere. Hopefully it's cooler there.

"There" being Orlando, Florida -- so probably not. If you would like to share this experience Disney World will be livestreaming their famous fireworks show tonight for free! Please note: If you are reading this too much into the future I can't guarantee anything.

So how do you do it? According to Disney,

Join us minutes before the fireworks start at 9:00 p.m. ET to learn more about nighttime spectaculars at Walt Disney World Resort. How can you catch the live stream? Visit the Disney Parks Blog on July 4 and a fresh blog post containing the live stream feed will be ready and waiting at the top.

So we'll be at https://disneyparks.disney.go.com/blog/   just before 8:00 PM Texas time tonight, corn dogs and ice cream at the ready, chromecasting the extravaganza onto our giant TV and reveling in nice, comfortable patriotism.

And if this doesn't work, I'll be right back here posting a grumpy blog post, as is my right.


UPDATE: Hey, it's working!

Click Here (unless it's over)!

Covert skin care

CIA skincare plot exposed!!

 Who doesn't want soft, supple, blemish-free skin? We all do, of course! And so does the CIA, with their new line of skin care products.  All they ask in return (aside from $52) is the upper layer of skin cells from your face. It's a win-win situation: you get to be radiant, lovely, and confident and they get a sample of your DNA for their top-secret, global genetic database so they can covertly manipulate the world.

I'm sure the lluminati is mixed up in this somehow, although there's no "hard evidence" yet. But it just sounds like them, doesn't it?

Danger: Texas

Texas

Texas is a dangerous place. Back in June a gentleman named Frank Reyes was changing a trailer tire when the jack slipped, trapping him.

Worrying that somebody might not happen along would be your major concern in any normal state. But this wasn't Seattle or Poughkeepsie.

This was Texas. In June.

The apocalyptically hot Texas sun heated the trailer's metal to 10,000 degrees (or thereabouts), and slowly seared the flesh of his hand right off down to the bone.

Did you know that in the 1800's, when land barons were trying to get people to immigrate to this place, the publicity hapless Easterners heard (from Davy Crockett himself!) was that Texas is "the garden spot of the world?" Davy Crockett was a bald-faced liar because Texas will try to kill you every chance it gets.

Fortunately, we now have central air conditioning that makes Texas habitable, and that has made the appearance of highly intelligent medical doctors possible. Today they sprout in hospitals and medical centers all across our gigantic state, on stand-by to leap into action and work their clever wonders on Texans who venture outside and suffer, as they surely will. Because this is Texas.

Belly -- best place for a desicated hand

Mr. Reyes, sadly, did not have the benefit of central air conditioning that day. But he did have skilled doctors waiting in chilly hospitals, ready to apply their healing arts to his hideous hand that the Texas sun had gnawed to bits.

Realizing eventually that nothing else was making the remainders of his fingers grow back, they chose the ultimate option, something only a highly creative, comfortably refrigerated, Texas doctor brain would dare to think of trying: cutting a hole in his belly and sewing his hand inside. Blood-filled vessels from his abdomen swiftly permeated his digits, filling them with life.

And now, weeks later, Frank's rejuvinated appendage is free of his stomach and living comfortably, changing trailer wheels left and right.

Once again, central air saves the day!

For That Special Bookworm in Your Life...

Bound in Grave robber skin

Harvard is an elite school boasting many claims to fame -- their Nobel laureate professors, their sterling worldwide reputation, and perhaps most impressive of all the 3 books in their libraries bound in human flesh. One of them (the ever-popular Practicarum Quaestionum Circa Leges Regias Hispaniae) even has an inscription telling us whose flesh it is: "King Mbesa did give me the book, it being one of poore Jonas chiefe possessions, together with ample of his skin to bynd it. Requiescat in pace."

So you can imagine their chagrin and horror when it was discovered the other day that that's not real people skin at all! Instead it's just plain, ordinary, blotchy sheep skin. Harvard alumni are today are slinking dejectedly through the halls of power and wealth, doing their best to avoid eye contact with the other plutocrats -- especially the ones from Yale.

But worry not anthropodermic bibliopegy fans! Binding your favorite reading material in the flesh of your neighbor had a bit of a vogue at one time, so there are still plenty of places to go other than Harvard. Click here to see a list of the Top 10 books Harvard yearns to possess.