Weekly dose of religiosity

Ok, this one is fake, but some churches make you wonder...

Eating the future

Bacon -- it's the future, man!

Graphic buried somewhere deep inside this game

In the year 2020 we will all get our food by jumping on counters at fast food restaurants and yelling. What a utopian wonderworld that will be! We know this thanks to the helpful efforts of a man from that far-distant time with the strange futuristic name of Dante Rashad Anderson, who came back to show us how it will be done.

His first attempt to demonstrate the future occurred at an Oklahoma City Carl's Jr., but they did not understand his ways and ejected him. Undeterred, the time traveler walked across the street to Arby's, where the patrons were slightly more enlightened and allowed his demonstration to proceed after he shoved the manager up against a wall.  After the obligatory yelling, the visitor grabbed a fist full of bacon and chicken, thanked them all for their kind attention by breaking a window, and left.

Karate-kicking random cars as he walked down the street (possibly an obscure greeting gesture from his time), the man beyond time was found passed out at a taco restaurant due to the strain of passing through the Time Vortex without a TARDIS.

Oklahoma police were skeptical at first of the man's description of the future until they remembered that Donald Trump will have been President for 3 years by then. Hence, all bets are off.

Packed Away

Bedtime!

Photo by Paul Spijkers

There are a lot of perks to working for Federal Express, like hitching flights on cargo planes, which worked out so well for Tom Hanks in Cast Away.  Taking a leaf from his book, an unidentified FedEx worker decided the cargo hold they were loading was a good place to curl up and catch some Zs, and woke to find themselves hours later in mid-flight.

Fortunately, this plane was only headed for Lubbock.

Weekly dose of religiosity

Next member of a noble heritage

Remember the majestic ship Boaty McBoatface, and the slightly less majestic but at least on time train, Trainy McTrainface?  Now another member has joined that proud lineage: the mighty Australian horse Horsey McHorseface.  Long may his progeny gallop!

A racehorse, similar to the great Horsey McHorseface

 © BrokenSphere / Wikimedia Commons

Hungry for some airport!

Is the curry that bad?

Barbarians at the gates in New York

The bone of contention in Albany

In the world of politics, the participants can sink pretty low sometimes. Just look at how this year's presidential contest is shaping up.  But there's low, and then there's deny-toilet-paper-to-your-adversaries low.

The New York Senate is currently in the hands of the Republicans, meaning that they are in charge of supplies. Now, Senate Majority Leader John Flanagan swears everything's on the up and up and that bathroom tissue is distributed in an equitable and evenhanded manner.

But "Not so!" desperately cry the Democrats. According to their statistics the minority party is only getting half as much. And it's ONE-PLY!!

It is said that Alaric and the Visigoths used this same tactic to defeat and sack Rome (although the romans used sponges on sticks instead of TP, but the principle is still the same). Of course, that could be a myth (not the stick sponges. Those were a hard fact).

Let's hope cooler heads prevail in Albany.

Where to escape to

Lonesome

Photo by Uday1254

The place in North America that is farthest from any coast is in a gully on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation between Allen (famous for being the poorest town in the country) and Kyle, South Dakota. It's the farthest you can get away from the edge of the continent.

Called "Poles of Inacessability," every land mass and every ocean has one. If you really want to get "far from the madding crowd" and meditate on the meaning of life, one of these might be your best choice. The complete list can be found here with a Google Map for each one.

Weekly dose of religiosity

Covert skin care

CIA skincare plot exposed!!

 Who doesn't want soft, supple, blemish-free skin? We all do, of course! And so does the CIA, with their new line of skin care products.  All they ask in return (aside from $52) is the upper layer of skin cells from your face. It's a win-win situation: you get to be radiant, lovely, and confident and they get a sample of your DNA for their top-secret, global genetic database so they can covertly manipulate the world.

I'm sure the lluminati is mixed up in this somehow, although there's no "hard evidence" yet. But it just sounds like them, doesn't it?

What hungry bull fighters eat

"I'm feeling a bit peckish right about now."

I don't know how many times I've asked myself, "I wonder what a professional Bull Fighter (the kind and loving 'murican version, not the bloody, murderous spanish kind) would eat right now?" I'm sure you have too.

Well, now we know.

"The mills of the gods grind slowly..."

::Sob!::

In a sudden fit of moral outrage the jolly german tourist town of Tegernsee has officially revoked Adolph Hitler's honorary citizenship there. It really must have preyed on their conscience since it only took them 83 years to do it.

"Get Outta My Yard!"

Mr. Newman, World's Saddest Dog ™, realizes he's going up the river

Photo by Christopher Michel

Sick and tired of that dadgummed neighbor dog doin' his business in your petunias? Yeah, we all are. But now we can turn the big guns of technology against those consarned rapscallions (and their owners, who are probably standin' right there, watchin') and catch 'em dead to rights! That's right Rover, you can't hide under the porch anymore.  We're going to solve the mystery of whose poo that is in our yards the same way we crack all the big cold cases nowadays: DNA.

A Tennessee company named PooPrints makes a business of swabbing every dog in an apartment complex (in their mouths, not other more poo-oriented orifices) so they can match them to the genetic fingerprints of offending anonymous defecators.

Canine crime doesn't stand a chance. You can even become a distributor!

Weekly Dose of Religiosity

The easy way to make your home posh!

Today it's boring, ordinary April 2nd, of course, but I really liked this April Fools email/post thingy I got yesterday from the Historical Emporium (which can make anyone look spiffy)!

Edison: History's greatest humanitarian!

It's little known today but famous inventor Thomas Edison was actually the greatest humanitarian who ever lived. Sure, we're all used to hearing of Edison the jerk, Edison the man who battled Westinghouse up one side and down the other to block much more efficient Alternating Current, Edison who crushed the dreams and buried the vision of Nikola Tesla, Edison the elephant electrocuter, Edison the... well, you get the picture.

But when you weigh all that against his magnificent invention of 1878, it's no contest. Edison ranks right up there with Mother Teresa and the entire Doctors Without Boarders organization. Because Thomas Edison, with a single stroke, eliminated hunger from the Earth.

It happened like this.

One day, Edison was riding through the streets of New York in his gold-plated carriage with J P Morgan, John D. Rockefeller, and several Rothschilds discussing how there were simply too many ragged street urchins clinging to their vehicle begging for money. The Great Inventor took the opportunity to demonstrate one of his latest inventions, running 50,000 volts through the skin of the carriage, thereby efficiently dislodging the grubby, starving children. As they watched smoldering little beggers dropping like over-ripe fruit into the street, Edison commented triumphantly, "I call that my 'Poverty Eliminator.'"

The Plutocrats chuckled and drove on.

Later, as they sat down to a posh but impromptu dinner at Edison's home, one of his butlers sheepishly informed him that there weren't enough Delmonico steaks to go around.

"What?! Not enough steak?? I'll soon fix that!"

When Edison returned from his basement lab 2 hours later the wondering tycoons stared in amazement at his "Food Creator," a portable, easy-to-use device capable of transmuting any type of matter into any food imaginable.

The wealthy magnates sat down to the best steaks they'd ever eaten and the Daily Graphic spread the happy news throughout the land on that joyous first day of April:

Huzzah! A new age dawns!

For more information about this wonder, click on the headline!