Covert skin care

CIA skincare plot exposed!!

 Who doesn't want soft, supple, blemish-free skin? We all do, of course! And so does the CIA, with their new line of skin care products.  All they ask in return (aside from $52) is the upper layer of skin cells from your face. It's a win-win situation: you get to be radiant, lovely, and confident and they get a sample of your DNA for their top-secret, global genetic database so they can covertly manipulate the world.

I'm sure the lluminati is mixed up in this somehow, although there's no "hard evidence" yet. But it just sounds like them, doesn't it?

What hungry bull fighters eat

"I'm feeling a bit peckish right about now."

I don't know how many times I've asked myself, "I wonder what a professional Bull Fighter (the kind and loving 'murican version, not the bloody, murderous spanish kind) would eat right now?" I'm sure you have too.

Well, now we know.

"The mills of the gods grind slowly..."

::Sob!::

In a sudden fit of moral outrage the jolly german tourist town of Tegernsee has officially revoked Adolph Hitler's honorary citizenship there. It really must have preyed on their conscience since it only took them 83 years to do it.

"Get Outta My Yard!"

Mr. Newman, World's Saddest Dog ™, realizes he's going up the river

Photo by Christopher Michel

Sick and tired of that dadgummed neighbor dog doin' his business in your petunias? Yeah, we all are. But now we can turn the big guns of technology against those consarned rapscallions (and their owners, who are probably standin' right there, watchin') and catch 'em dead to rights! That's right Rover, you can't hide under the porch anymore.  We're going to solve the mystery of whose poo that is in our yards the same way we crack all the big cold cases nowadays: DNA.

A Tennessee company named PooPrints makes a business of swabbing every dog in an apartment complex (in their mouths, not other more poo-oriented orifices) so they can match them to the genetic fingerprints of offending anonymous defecators.

Canine crime doesn't stand a chance. You can even become a distributor!

Weekly Dose of Religiosity

The easy way to make your home posh!

Today it's boring, ordinary April 2nd, of course, but I really liked this April Fools email/post thingy I got yesterday from the Historical Emporium (which can make anyone look spiffy)!

Edison: History's greatest humanitarian!

It's little known today but famous inventor Thomas Edison was actually the greatest humanitarian who ever lived. Sure, we're all used to hearing of Edison the jerk, Edison the man who battled Westinghouse up one side and down the other to block much more efficient Alternating Current, Edison who crushed the dreams and buried the vision of Nikola Tesla, Edison the elephant electrocuter, Edison the... well, you get the picture.

But when you weigh all that against his magnificent invention of 1878, it's no contest. Edison ranks right up there with Mother Teresa and the entire Doctors Without Boarders organization. Because Thomas Edison, with a single stroke, eliminated hunger from the Earth.

It happened like this.

One day, Edison was riding through the streets of New York in his gold-plated carriage with J P Morgan, John D. Rockefeller, and several Rothschilds discussing how there were simply too many ragged street urchins clinging to their vehicle begging for money. The Great Inventor took the opportunity to demonstrate one of his latest inventions, running 50,000 volts through the skin of the carriage, thereby efficiently dislodging the grubby, starving children. As they watched smoldering little beggers dropping like over-ripe fruit into the street, Edison commented triumphantly, "I call that my 'Poverty Eliminator.'"

The Plutocrats chuckled and drove on.

Later, as they sat down to a posh but impromptu dinner at Edison's home, one of his butlers sheepishly informed him that there weren't enough Delmonico steaks to go around.

"What?! Not enough steak?? I'll soon fix that!"

When Edison returned from his basement lab 2 hours later the wondering tycoons stared in amazement at his "Food Creator," a portable, easy-to-use device capable of transmuting any type of matter into any food imaginable.

The wealthy magnates sat down to the best steaks they'd ever eaten and the Daily Graphic spread the happy news throughout the land on that joyous first day of April:

Huzzah! A new age dawns!

For more information about this wonder, click on the headline!