Monday, May 20, 2013

Prophetic Anteater News

In yet another sign that the end has come, a virgin anteater in Greenwich, Connecticut has mysteriously given birth. Hoping to head off a major pilgrimage, employees at the LEO Zoological Conservation Center pointed out that Armani (the anteater in question) technically wasn't a virgin virgin. "She has had 'experience,' if you know what I mean," a staffer at the Center's Odd Biology Lab explained. "It's just been a real long time. There are plenty of unlikely guesswork that could explain it." 

But true believers would have none of it. Intense prophecy student and back alley preacher Hiram Pinemdown shouted from a housetop that, "This could be as significant as the famous John the Baptist cheese toast apparition of 1992!"


Thursday, May 16, 2013

Inspiration is Where You Find It

Possible inspiration for Mr. Svenson's
art
Arne Svenson of New York City is a very philosophic fellow. Taking Shakespeare at his word, he feels that "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players." Mr. Svenson is so enthralled with the performance so far that he's decided to immortalize the players in the luxury apartments across the street. And sell his favorites in Chelsea for $7500 a pop.

The performers were not aware of Mr. Svenson's efforts, incidentally. Oddly, now that his good work to publicize the continuous play across the street has become known, the actors are miffed. Particularly those whose portraits came out rather unflatteringly. They may want damages.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

CIA Urged to 'Reach for the Stars!'

Dynamic man of mystery captured in Russia
Feeling a little embarrassed at the United States' recent poor showing in espionage, Russia today encouraged their longtime rival to "keep trying." 

"Really, don't let this get you down, man," urged 1st Deputy Assistant for Tactical Self-Esteem Building, Vladimir Vedroborshcha. "You're better than this, comrade! Sure we're all surprised by how  clumsy you've gotten. Is this the USA we all know and love? You're just out of practice! That's what happens when you depend on computer worms and drones, eh? But America can be great again, like in old days! Ah, such fun times.

"You need to step up your game! Try spying on easy target first, like Canada. Then come back in couple of years and try to steal missile technology or something."

Reached for comment in Washington, CIA chief John Brennan just looked down at his hands and slowly mumbled, "Yeah..."

Monday, May 13, 2013

The Vortex of Brighton Wants Your Dog

Ah, merry old England! So many things to do here, so many great sites to see! Like the white cliffs of Dover, the Tower of London, the famous dog-eating, snake-filled vortex to another dimension of Brighton, not to mention the...??!! 

Ok, lemme check that Brighton travel brochure again...




Saturday, May 11, 2013

Nature is Homely

Sometimes you're flat out overcome by the powerful, awe-inspiring glory of nature! Other times you get this.

Courtesy of memebase

Friday, May 10, 2013

Honoring Mom With the Big, Bad Wolf

As husbands and fathers we guys take seriously our duty to ensure that our wives and daughters have a strong, healthy self image, free from all those old demeaning stereotypes. It's important to show them the respect and high regard we have for them and provide role models for our daughters to imitate. And what better way to do that than by taking them to Hooters for Mothers Day! Heck, bring grandma along too. It's fun for the whole family!

Hooters has apparently been on a downward slide in recent years, not having varied their decor, skimpy uniforms, or menu much in 30 years, and they've never been particularly popular with mothers. Offering $10 off on mother's entrees is part of their strategy to survive by revamping things and trying to show moms and little girls that they're not "the Big, Bad Wolf of dining" anymore. Their chief marketing officer offers this reassuring comment"It's not as diabolical as you think," 



Free eBook

Still don't have these human beings figured out yet? Especially the ones that willingly sacrifice every last shred of dignity by appearing on Maury Povich (Yeah, what IS up with that)?


Well, I can't promise anything about Maury (some dark corners of society's seamy underbelly are best left unexposed anyway). But thanks to our unknowing partners at Amazon and Barnes & Noble "A Few Paragraphs" would like to offer you a completely FREE eBook for Nook or Kindle by a well-known NeuroPsychiatrist on what we know about what makes us tick. And by the way, this isn't one of those little free books that promise to reveal all once you sign up for their 20-part course. It's a real, well-researched book in its 'e' manifestation.

Naturally, this being Amazon and B&N they'll want you to sign up with them. To get yours just click on one of these links:


Thursday, May 09, 2013

Lasting Impression

How do you want to be remembered through all eternity (or at least until the sun explodes)? What you have put on your tombstone is pretty much the last chance you'll have to spin your story. When I walk through a graveyard (and yes I do, because I'm a bit morbid) my sole impression of the person beneath my feet is whatever somebody put on their marker. It's sort of like those crucial "first 4 minutes" when you form your opinion of a stranger, which thenceforth is written in stone and can never, ever change. Unless you're a famous or profitable person,  I most likely wouldn't find you on Wikipedia either, even if I thought to look. They have "notability" rules, you know. 

What sparked this post was the tale of Sonny Santiago. He was an up and coming 23 year old Massachusetts rapper who performed under the name of 'Uno.' Sadly, his life was cut short by a car crash in February. To honor his memory down through the ages his family commissioned a three foot stone decorated with an expletive-laced verse from one of his songs that went something like this:


"You gonna remember the d*** name, I give a f*** if I die with no d*** friends, I got my fam by my side and that's until the end" 
Fortunately or unfortunately for the thriving rap world of 200 years from now, when the Pine Grove Cemetery reviewed the designs they rejected the lyrics. Luckily, the expensive gravestone hadn't been engraved yet. Uno's family was cooperative and selected a new, profanity-free verse from his repertoire. No word yet on how that one goes.

Personally, for my epitath I'm torn between "Man that is born of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble." (Job 14:1), "Friend of the worms," or "Hey, check out my blog at www.AFewParagraphs.com !" 





"Get Outta' My Backyard" Part 2


So there is a worthwhile side to our decided preference that everybody mind their own business. We'd really not be in the position of passing judgement on our Governor's sexual peccadilloes (Although barefaced lying and betraying his wife, kids, and state does make it a lot easier). If he comes back later apologizing in credible fashion and promising to do better, there's a good chance that we'll let him try again. After all, who are we to judge, we're all only human, he's so folksy, etc etc.

But there's also this side: The man on the left kidnapped and abused 3 teen-aged girls for 10 long years in a crowded and active neighborhood of Cleveland and nobody saw a thing. Ariel Castro, who owns the house, was popular and involved in the community.  Fellow musicians and relatives visited, police came out out a couple of times for unrelated reasons, but no one noticed anything amiss. A few neighbors claim they did notice something -- a nude woman crawling in the backyard, odd sounds coming from the house -- and called the police; The police say they can't find any record of these calls.

Headlines are prone to characterize the event as "Missing Girls Found!" I've noticed, but they were not found.  Nobody stumbled upon their jail or followed all the clues until they discovered them. No, this only happened because they escaped -- and one man was there with the guts to help them. Otherwise they would still be prisoners today. A church pastor from the neighborhood named Angel Arroyo said,"We didn't search hard enough. She was right under our nose the whole time."

If all this sounds vaguely familiar it may be because it is. Just 2 years ago in 2009 Jaycee Dugard escaped from a disturbingly similar situation. She had been held captive for 18 years and raped repeatedly. The year before that Elisabeth Fritzl was freed in Amstetten, Austria after 24 years of confinement and sexual abuse. In each case these women and the children they gave birth to were freed due to the alertness and nosiness of  random people who noticed that something was not right and stepped up to do something about it. And as some commentators on the good news from Cleveland have reminded us, so very many women and children are abused all around the world  and too often nobody notices -- or notice but are sheepish about getting in someone else's backyard.

At one point I was going to end this post with a rousing call for "more nosy neighbors and more cops walking a beat."  But that's probably too glib. I really can't think of an answer for this. We certainly don't want everyone monitoring and informing on each other, but I want to catch every kidnapped girl, every abused child and woman, every bullied student, every victim of sexual trafficking. How can we find the balance between personal privacy and knowing enough about our neighbors to recognize that something's not right? It happens sometimes; it needs to happen more. What do we need to change? Can this really be the best we can do?


*UPDATE: Replaced my original photo since, according to police, only Ariel Castro was involved.